Tag Archives: Angst

Little Monster

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I screamed at my cats today. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I lost it earlier. I had a lot of things to do, but was not getting anything done. My internet connection was unstable and it took a minute to send text messages. To top it all off, I was still suffering from migraine postdrome (like a mental hangover after a migraine attack) and was just not present. I was trapped in a cloudy state in the bowels of my head and I was starting to fray at the edges.

Cats are very sensitive creatures so they picked up on my mood. They we’re all nervous and antsy, so that made them irritable. One wrong move and a feline rumble started. They rolled over the kitchen counter and broke a feeding bowl, a drinking glass, and my incense burner in the process. Then I lost it. I threw my wallet, my keys, a cushion at nothing in particular. I bellowed with rage and picked up the cats’ scratching lounges and threw them against the wall. One broke in half. I got all my rugs and started hitting them against the wall, scattering dust and fur in the air.  Then I lost steam and just sat on the floor. Then I stood up and started cleaning up.

Sometimes I feel the need to let the monster out and go on a rampage. Being a teacher and a fur mom to 5 FeLV+ cats, I don’t give in to this urge easily. I’ve trained myself to count back from 10 and breathe and exhale my anger. But I have limits and my monster needs to come outside once in a while otherwise it will fester and grow and would take over during some inopportune moment.

Sigh.

So I breathe in and out. In and out while I mop up my mess. Goodbye, Little Monster. Maybe I’ll see you in a year.

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Going (Senti)Mental

My day didn’t turn out the way I planned it. All my classes were cancelled for some reason or another, that means I earned zilch today. It’s not going to ruin me, but for a freelance tutor, every hour counts. Sigh. Así es la vida. It is what it is. So what do I do on a sunny Saturday?

Initially I wanted to stay home and catch up on my sleep. I’m always bone tired and the heat was not really helping. And then, as I was getting ready to take a nap, I started thinking about doing something unexpected. I’ve been in a rut the past— month, two months?—and have tried a number of things to get out of it and, so far, nothing has helped. So I called up a friend and decided to meet up in UP (the University of the Philippines). I haven’t been there in ages and wanted to revisit my old haunts.

In 2008 I entered the College of Fine Arts’ Masters Degree program. I couldn’t study full time; I only had classes twice a week. Before UP I’ve had the privilege of studying at the Ateneo de Manila University, Universidad de Santiago de Compostela, and la Universidad de Barcelona. I love all of these institutions, I’ve met some wonderful people there, learned different lessons in and out of the classrooms, and each one has its distinct feel, culture, quirks. UP was no different. I even had a bit of culture shock—yeah, in my own country!—during my first semester. It was all good, but my stint at the national university ended after two years. I decided to take an indefinite leave of absence from the program. That’s one loooong story I don’t really want to get into right now.

ANYWAY, back to today. 🙂 I put on my brand new trainers and headed to UP. I walked a bit before meeting up with my friend. We skipped the jeepney and just sauntered through the campus while talking about our memories of the place, our current lives (her move and BF, and my cats and angst about art and life in general), and just enjoying the view and the vibe of the campus. We didn’t really do anything outrageous or ground breaking —ate late lunch at Rodic’s, had isaw and creamy, yummy ice cream, and just talked non-stop—but it was exactly what I needed to feel relaxed and happy in my head again. What I needed was a simple, carefree walk down memory lane to help me focus again. Or maybe it was just the UP effect—the last place where I did major grappling with my life as an artist. I went there to visit old hangouts but ended up digging into old mines in my head.

Okay, it’s not a magic pill and I know the happy molecules are probably going to lose their effect tomorrow, but I think things are going to clear up soon. At least that’s what I hope would happen. Hope springs eternal, right?

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(This little Piggie went to Rodic’s, had great tapsilog, and oinked with glee all the way home! Wheee!)

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Consumed

Some days are tough. You get up, you do your own thing, then something mundane happens, like receiving a phone call or a text message, and then you realize that the last straw was closer than you thought it was. 

And then you have your meltdown and you get on with it. Sure, you get roughed up by life, but you have to go on. So what if carefully disguised friends are pilfering your ideas? Learn to shut your trap and create some more! So what if someone tries to hoodwink you? Learn to say no and peddle your wares to other possible clients. Having a tantrum or prolonging your cry-fest will not do you any good. These very same vultures and leeches are having a ball and reaping benefits from your ideas and hard work while you are going through a box of Kleenex in the dark. The best revenge would be to just live your life. No ifs, no buts, just live your life the best way you know. They don’t matter in the end.

So what’s it going to be?

A page from my Journal

I think this is a portrait of my soul: she’s tired and weary and gnarly and spent. Now she just wants to kick some ass.

 

 

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