Category Archives: Rants

Little Monster

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I screamed at my cats today. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I lost it earlier. I had a lot of things to do, but was not getting anything done. My internet connection was unstable and it took a minute to send text messages. To top it all off, I was still suffering from migraine postdrome (like a mental hangover after a migraine attack) and was just not present. I was trapped in a cloudy state in the bowels of my head and I was starting to fray at the edges.

Cats are very sensitive creatures so they picked up on my mood. They we’re all nervous and antsy, so that made them irritable. One wrong move and a feline rumble started. They rolled over the kitchen counter and broke a feeding bowl, a drinking glass, and my incense burner in the process. Then I lost it. I threw my wallet, my keys, a cushion at nothing in particular. I bellowed with rage and picked up the cats’ scratching lounges and threw them against the wall. One broke in half. I got all my rugs and started hitting them against the wall, scattering dust and fur in the air.  Then I lost steam and just sat on the floor. Then I stood up and started cleaning up.

Sometimes I feel the need to let the monster out and go on a rampage. Being a teacher and a fur mom to 5 FeLV+ cats, I don’t give in to this urge easily. I’ve trained myself to count back from 10 and breathe and exhale my anger. But I have limits and my monster needs to come outside once in a while otherwise it will fester and grow and would take over during some inopportune moment.

Sigh.

So I breathe in and out. In and out while I mop up my mess. Goodbye, Little Monster. Maybe I’ll see you in a year.

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August Redux

I just had the worst August in my entire life. I can’t wait for September to begin so I can reboot and start anew. Funny how I keep going back to my post from ages ago. It still holds true after all these years. I’m praying that things will get better after today. Come on, September! Be nice.

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http://stephdisturbstheuniverse.blogspot.com/2006/08/august.html

I always have mixed feelings about August. It’s the time of year when the sun mercilessly blazes the whole day without relief, while the nights grow balmy and indigo dark. It is accompanied by volatile and indecisive weather; monsoon rains and tropical depressions form in the east and heat waves reign in the west. It’s as if the earth is heaving with anticipation for the coming birth pains—its nine months is almost up. It’s time to give it up.

It doesn’t matter where I am; August still feels the same way. It’s melancholy and silent, like someone tethering on a wire over a precipice. You are all alone and you could fall and no one would hear you or you could fly and your wings would bring you closer to the sun.

I can’t say that I am crazy about August, but I can definitely say that I can’t live without it. I was born on this month some odd years ago. Which is probably the reason why I have so much affinity and dislike for it; sometimes I can burst into flames with so much passion and intensity for everyone to see or I could disappear into a cesspool of murky, uneven shadows where no one dares to follow.

This month has always brought me changes. For one thing, I turn a year older every year. What have I got show for, I ask myself sometimes, when that day comes. And on some years, like this one, I couldn’t care less that it happened once again. We all have to grow old anyways.

Most of my plans come into fruition or end in August—I moved back to the Philippines twice, moved out of 3 apartments (or is it 4?), received acceptance and rejection letters from schools, awarded two scholarships, etc, etc. Dreams are born at the same time hope is discarded. I go along with the year. I always feel the need to purge and reap the fruits of my labor and to face the repercussions of my actions. Time’s up. Now I have to move on.

The month is almost over and I am still undecided if I want it to end. September brings a different set of feelings and responsibilities. Am I ready for my new life? Am I ready for the end of the year? Am I ready for the birth pains? I don’t really know, but I have 12 days to find out.

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From behind the veil

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It’s hard to think back; so much has happened since my last entry.
February seems like a lifetime ago. I wish I could say that it has all
been good that’s why I haven’t had time to post. It has been quite the
contrary, actually. I’ve been spending the past four months in a haze,
a sinkhole that is chronic fatigue and multiple sclerosis. I had been
forced into silence, too self absorbed and too embattled to function.
I still tried to keep up a happy front—I only post about the
travails of my cats. But even that has not been spared from misery.
Astroboy and Wednesday were diagnosed with FLUTD and were confined for
days at the vet.

Work has been… has been what? I don’t really know. I turned on the
autopilot and had forgotten to turn it off. I feel nothing.

After a scattered and unsteady and jagged start of the year, I must
salvage the next six months, find my own center again and get back to
habit of creating.

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Decompressing

Last weekend was tough and today was such a doozy! It started on a very sour note and it just snowballed from there. I even dropped my phone at one point and it stopped working properly after! Lovely!

To sweeten my night (or should I say, fatten it!), I dined on Special Ilocos empanada (deep fried with veggies, longganisa, egg, and cheese! Yeah!) from Farinas. Yummy, but I don’t think I’ll be doing that again soon!

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After drowning my sorrows in cholesterol, I’m now numbing my senses by answering online quizzes and watching cute cat videos. White noise can be addicting. Astroboy is bored by all my drama and has fallen asleep. Guess it’s time for me to log off, too! I get a clean slate tomorrow! Whoohoo!

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On being a reformed doormat

I stepped out about two hours ago to throw the garbage. I had the whole night planned: light dinner, a movie, then maybe read a chapter or two from the book I was reading, and then bed. I had just put down my bags when, suddenly, I was verbally ambushed by a neighbor I had never seen before. He started screaming at me saying that I threw my garbage in the wrong site (A little backgrounder here: I live in the wonderful city of Mandaluyong (within Metro Manila) where there are no garbage bins for people to throw in their trash, but only designated areas without official signs or markings.). I told him that I threw it there because that’s where the broker/compound owner told me to. He continued with his tirade and refused to acknowledge anything I said. Just to stop him from ranting, I said that if he showed me the right place where I was supposed to throw my trash, then I would gladly pick up my bags and take them there. We both turned and he started screaming at me again.

That was it; I’ve had it. He was an old man (he mentioned that he was 60 with high blood pressure) and I wanted to just take everything in and then walk away, but no. I was being verbally abused. I already agreed to his request so he had no right to berate me. I did not raise my voice, but I did raise my hand to tell him to stop. I told him that I understood where he was coming from, but that I felt violated and abused. He paused; I don’t think he expected me to do that. I continued and he cut me off. He was on a roll and nothing could stop him. So I had to raise my hand again and told him to hear me out. I told him ̶ respectfully ̶ my side, but it was like hitting my head against a wall. So I, again, respectfully asked him to just show me the place so we could go on with our lives. I got my trash, he pointed out the place (the next lamppost about 3 meters away), I thanked him and walked away.

I was shaking when I got back home. I abhor it when, right or wrong, people scream at me. My cats instantly knew I was upset and all piled up on top of me. That made me weep, of course. And then I got angry and started banging things. And then I shook it off. I did the right thing. I defended myself and that was a good thing. It made me want to thank that old man, actually, because I realized that today ̶ a horrid day, one for the books ̶ I was challenged by a number of different situations and people, and I stepped up and defended myself, my rights, in each one. I was growing my spine back, which has been softening for the past couple of years, and that rude man made me realize that I was back to being me again, but better.

I wasn’t always a doormat. I had an extreme personality; there were no grays in my life. I’ve always had a stubborn streak (more like a side, actually, a very big one), and would fight back and not let go of things. This trait was magnified when I lived in Spain ̶ in a country where they love to argue, I learned how to raise my voice and let my thoughts be heard. When I returned to Manila, I saw myself as being too brash and abrasive. Not everything can be bulldozed into a cubbyhole. I was hanging out with people who would do that and were that. Birds of the same feather… and I realized I didn’t want to be that person. As I said before, I saw things in black or white. So I adapted a different persona ̶ beyond Zen or centered, but more of a doormat. I hated conflicts and arguments so I avoided them or just folded. I didn’t want the roaring bitch to come out so I had to shut her out.

Maybe it’s age or maybe it’s a result of my actively trying to change things around in my life, but I am slowly finding balance in things and in myself. I am still very temperamental, mind you, but my rage dissipates and transforms instead of growing and consuming everything in its path. Maybe it’s the wisdom that comes with age and having gone though different experiences in life or maybe I’m finally getting it and that all that inner work is finally paying off. I still have a long way to go, but I am extremely proud of myself for finally defending myself without being hurtful to the other person. I am happy that I was able to say what I was thinking and feeling without raising my voice or resorting to trash-talking or insults. Age or hard work? Whatever it is, I am glad that it is happening. I am neither an angel or a witch, but finally just me.

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